The moment I became a statistic.
February 18th may be forever burned in my brain.
That was the day my world flipped upside down. The day that my hope did a 180 and I found myself facing my biggest fear… miscarriage.
TikTok’s algorithm is funny, once you engage with ONE video or watch ONE video for more than 10 seconds about a topic your FYP (for you page) is suddenly filled with similar videos.
Thanks to two years of TTC and three rounds of IUI my TikTok FYP is filled with the following:
TTC tips and tricks
Chemical pregnancy + miscarriages
Newborn babies + pregnancy tips
Home decor (okay this one is purely thanks to my obsession with renovating our home)
But back to February 18th…
That morning I almost instantly knew something was not right. My stomach was cramping, the tops of my thighs were sore and the 10th pregnancy test (in 4 days, I’m not that psycho) I took had the faintest second line.
By 11 am I was bleeding almost the equivalent of a period.
By 1 pm I was standing in front of the ER check-in uttering the words, “I think I’m having a chemical pregnancy” to a sweet man who’s first instinct was to pull out a box of tissues as he asked me what symptoms I was experiencing.
Around 3pm I was seen by a doctor and by 5pm my fear had been confirmed. I had miscarried at some point while sitting in the ER waiting room.
But back to my doomsday scrolling.
When the doctor came into my room to see me we went through the normal, “can you tell me everything that is going on?” questions.
To which I replied in between tears, “I’m pretty positive I’m having a chemical pregnancy / miscarriage right now. I started bleeding around 11am, it’s heavy and I’m cramping like a normal period.”
After a few moments, she asked, “has this happened before?”
“No…” I replied quickly.
With a look of confusion on her face she said, “sorry I don’t hear a lot of women call their experience a chemical pregnancy if it’s the first time they are having a miscarriage.”
And that’s when it hit me… TikTok.
We have SO much information at our hands it’s a blessing and a curse.
Recently I’ve been feeling the curse side of it.
Wondering what I could have done to save this pregnancy (even though the doctor said there was nothing I could have done and I know in my heart I didn’t do anything “wrong”) and having my FYP filled with tips and tricks for avoiding miscarriage.
The information is great but man is it exhausting.
If you’re still reading at this point I have to assume you fall into one of these three buckets: you have had a miscarriage in the past, you are trying to conceive or you’re just nosey like myself.
If you have had a miscarriage and are searching for “what went wrong” I want to give you some advice that I also need to hear: you didn’t do anything wrong. You couldn’t have done anything different to prevent what happened. There is nothing “wrong” with you.
If you are currently on your TTC journey searching for THE magical tip and trick that will help you get pregnant, I want you to give yourself some time and grace. There isn’t a magical trick and you’re doing everything you can do. While it’s gutwrenching and painful to watch everyone else around you get pregnant or hold their baby for the first time…. I pray your time will come sooner than you could expect. Put down the phone, and stop scrolling.
You’re not alone and I hope you find comfort in this small place on the internet.
Sending baby dust your way,
Emily